WARNING: In this episode, a character considers suicide. If this will trigger you, this episode may not be for you.

Pat’s Story

After bringing Granny Smith home from Rosary on Monday night, I parked at the TRAC and headed back to my dorm. When I passed the MAC, I noticed a figure sitting in the shadows on the wall.

The wall was an interesting perch. It was located between the back of the MAC and the giant staircase that led to the patio between the MAC and the pool. If the brooder leaned too far to her right, she would fall about a foot into the snow-covered garden. If the brooder leaned too far to her left, she would fall about three stories onto the asphalt.

I headed up the concrete stairs, nodding as I passed the person on the wall. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

The mournful reply made me pause. I recognized the voice. If I squinted, I could just barely make out Chloe in the darkness.

I had no idea why, but I decided to stop to talk to her. “Whatcha doing?”

“Thinking.”

“Oh. I’ll just —”

“We broke up.”

There was something about Chloe’s tone I didn’t like. I didn’t feel I should leave her alone at that moment. I made my way up the rest of the stairs, then balanced along the edges of the garden to join her on the wall. She had her back against the MAC, her legs stretched in front of her, ankles crossed. I couldn’t see her face very well, but it looked as if her mascara might have been running.

I sat near her feet, my feet firmly in the garden bed. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you pretending to be nice to me?” There was a bitterness in her tone that I found irritating.

I shrugged. “Whatever. I’ll leave.”

But I couldn’t. We sat there in silence for a few moments. I watched her carefully, but she hardly seemed to notice me. She was looking over toward the woods beyond the TRAC.

When she spoke, it was more like she was speaking to the trees than to me. “I just don’t see the point.”

“What point?”

“Exactly! What’s the point? Why are we even here?”

I had assumed she was here because she wanted some place quiet to think alone. The longer we sat in silence, though, the more I wondered if maybe she wasn’t referring to the wall. My jeans were growing cold and damp from the brick, but it didn’t seem to affect Chloe.

When she finally broke the silence, her words were very slow, as if it was taking a great effort for her to pick just the right one. “Sometimes, I wonder if I should just leave.”

“You’re so close to graduating. Why would you give it all up now?”

“So what?” Chloe snapped her head toward me, a bite in her tone. “I graduate. Then what? I mean, my parents already told me that if I don’t get into college, they won’t pay for me to laze around and party like Meghan.”

“That’s not —”

Chloe shook her head, and her anger seemed to be gone almost as quickly as it had come. “I know. She’s finding herself. And she’s doing a great job. I mean, she never would have considered costume design if she hadn’t taken this year off. The thing is, I already know what I want to do. And I won’t be able to, so what’s the point? I should just leave now.”

I sent her a hesitant look. “Where would you go?”

Chloe shrugged. “Don’t know. I mean, I’d guess I’d find out.”

“When are you leaving?”

“What time is it?”

I checked my watch. “Nearly eight.”

“I’ve been sitting here for, like, an hour. I think need another drink.”

It occurred to me that maybe Chloe and I were using the word leaving differently. And I didn’t like what I thought she might be thinking. The problem was, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. Since she had suggested a drink, I tried to think of how I could use that to my advantage. I really wanted to get her to the infirmary.

Suddenly, I had an idea. It was horrible and, if she were thinking clearly, I knew she would see right through me. But I was banking on the fact that she seemed slightly out of it.

“Obviously, I don’t have anything. Want me to run to your room and grab something for you?”

She sent me a half smile. “A guy in my room? During study hours? I mean, are you trying to get me in trouble?”

I swore. “Wasn’t thinking. What if—Oh! I got it! The infirmary!”

Chloe sat up a little straighter. “What do you mean?”

“Meghan said the nurses are, like, always drinking. I bet I could find something there.”

My sister had spent a lot of time in the infirmary when she was a student. Chloe seemed to buy my story. When I saw her relax a little, I kept going, making up things as I went.

“I’m thinking it’s in the nurses’ lounge.” I sighed. “But I don’t know where that is.”

“I do. You go down the hall and it’s, like the—I don’t know. Fifth door? There’s a label for it.”

I shook my head. “It would never work. I mean, I’d get caught right away.”

“You need someone to distract the nurses.”

“Yeah, but who?”

Chloe sat up, swinging her legs, thankfully, toward the flowerbed. “I’ll help you. I can say I have a headache. When they’re not looking, you can go get a bottle.”

Chloe followed me through the flowerbed and onto the patio. We descended the staircase as we finalized our plan. As soon as we crossed the main road, however, Chloe grabbed my arm. I could see genuine fear in her eyes.

“I can’t do it.”

“Why not?”

“If I pretend to have a headache, they might keep me overnight. But you’re a real actor. If you pretend—”

I didn’t like this twist, but I figured I would roll with it. I nodded. “Okay.”

“And we shouldn’t meet later. I’ll find you tomorrow. If I, you know, am still here.”

Chloe grabbed my arm as we entered the infirmary. I pretended to be doubled over in pain. She led me to the desk. “My friend isn’t feeling so well.”

I moaned.

The nurse came out from behind her desk. “Well now, you don’t look so good.”

I didn’t? What exactly did she see to make her say that? But I was on a mission.

I continued to play the sick patient. “My stomach.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Chloe sit in one of the visitor chairs while the nurse led me into an exam room. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

As soon as she shut the door behind us, I stood, speaking quickly. “Look, I don’t have a lot of time. My friend? She’s been drinking and I think she’s trying to, you know, end things. I told her there’s alcohol in the nurses’ lounge, and she thinks I’m some sort of decoy. But I really was just trying to get her here so you guys could, I don’t know. Talk to her? Make sure she’s, you know. Not trying to?”

“Stay here.” The nurse left the room.

I sat on the bed, uncertain what I was supposed to be doing. I texted my sister, asking if I could call her during the break. But she didn’t get back to me. She was probably still at work. As an intern on Broadway, one of her jobs was making sure that after a show, all the costumes were in their correct positions for the next performance. She was typically at the theater past midnight. I may not hear from her until after lights out.

Eventually, a doctor entered the room and sat in the visitor’s chair.

I sent him a confused look. “Um, I already told the nurse. I’m not really sick.”

The doctor nodded. “I know. We have admitted your friend for observation, but I’d like you to tell me why you brought her here.”

I shrugged. Even though we weren’t really friends anymore, I didn’t want Chloe to get into trouble.

The doctor seemed to guess where my thoughts were. “This is a safe zone. There is nothing you can tell me that will result in disciplinary action for either you or your friend. We just want to help her the best we can. We can’t do that if we don’t know what she’s taken.”

I could feel my eyes grow wide. “Taken? No idea. I thought she was just drinking. I found her on the wall behind the MAC. We were talking, and she kept saying she wanted to leave. And then I thought maybe that leaving meant, you know. Jumping.”

The doctor nodded. He continued questioning me for nearly an hour, wanting to know not just what Chloe had said but how she had been behaving. By the time I left, I felt like a lousy friend.

I glanced at my watch. Study hours were over. Since Melinda hadn’t texted me, I figured she wasn’t looking for me yet. There was a good chance she was still in the VAPAC. I headed there, finding Bethany reading on a couch.

When I plopped beside her, she raised her eyebrows at me. “You look awful. You feeling okay?”

I shook my head. “I just lied to a friend to trick them into going to the infirmary because they weren’t in a good head space. And I don’t think they’ll ever speak to me again. And that’s fine, but I still feel like stercus.”

Bethany raised her eyebrows. “Like what?”

I gave a half laugh. “I mean, it technically means poo, so—”

She shook her head. “One of the things I learned at prefect camp was that sometimes being a good friend means being the bad guy.”

“Have you ever had to, you know?”

Bethany shook her head. “No. But Will has. You should talk to him about it.”

I shrugged. “I just want to forget about it.”

“Just don’t keep it all bottled in again, okay?” Bethany gave me a hug. “I’m here to talk.”

“Thanks.”

Larry plopped himself beside me. “Girls not done yet, Bro?”

I checked my watch. “It’s only ten after. Easily another ten minutes.”

Bethany shook her head. “Nah. They’ll be here by quarter past.”

“No way.”

I smirked. “Bet you an ice cream?”

“Oh, you are so on.”

Melinda’s Journal

Monday, February 12

Our Wind Orchestra concert is this weekend. I am still struggling with the music. Everyone is.

Mr. Williams started rehearsal by threatening us that if we didn’t play well, we would have rehearsal every night this week. He totally would, too, except I think the String Orchestra needs just as much practice as we do.

After we played through the same piece four times, he threatened to cancel the performance. I think it was an empty threat. I guess I’ll find out on Thursday.

I wonder if I can squeeze in some extra practice time this week.

Melinda’s Story

After a horrible Wind Orchestra rehearsal Monday night, Sarah followed me to my VAPAC locker to store my flute. When we reached the lobby, I was a little surprised to see Pat sitting on the couches with Larry and Bethany.

I raised my eyebrows as I reached for his hand. “What are you guys doing here?”

Larry shrugged. “Mr. Williams has been keeping you guys later and later. Break’s nearly half over. If we have any hope of spending time with you girls, we figured we would camp out here.”

Pat pointed to himself and Bethany. “Well, we camped out. Someone had to study in his dorm until the break.”

We all laughed our way into the courtyard, splitting in different directions, even though we were all going to the same place. Pat led me around the pond toward the science center. I didn’t mind taking the long way back.

“How was rehearsal?” he asked when we were alone.

I groaned. “Mr. Williams is not happy with the brass section.”

Pat pulled me close. “Why not?”

“Will missed every cue. Every single cue. In every single song. And when you’re playing the tuba, everyone knows when you’re late.”

Pat winced. “Ouch. I bet you were perfect as usual?”

I shrugged. “I keep missing the section where I’m supposed to go up an octave. But it could have been worse. Addy kept missing it, too. And she’s piccolo. That’s pretty much as noticeable as the tuba.”

Pat laughed. “So you have the lowest instrument and highest instrument in the orchestra both missing their cues? I’m surprised your director let you leave.”

“Addy was close to tears after rehearsal.” I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. “All those high notes gave me a monster headache.”

Pat kissed my forehead. “Then you should go rest. Come on. I’ll walk you home.”

---

I drank a large bottle of water during second study hours, but my headache just would not go away. I suffered through my physics homework and about half of my math homework. When I realized I had answered the same problem three times and gotten three different answers, I called it quits. Putting my books aside, I got ready for bed. I had no problem falling asleep, even though Sarah was still studying with the light on.

In the middle of the night, I woke up suddenly. My head was still bothering me, but I also had an upset stomach. Fearing the worst, I threw on my robe and slippers. My stomach churned as I shuffled to the bathroom. I reached it just in time.

Too weak to move, I curled myself on the floor by the toilet until I was sure I was done being sick. I threw up several times. I had no idea how long I was there, but I liked how cool the floor felt. When I was fairly confident my stomach was empty, I rinsed my mouth and went to visit my prefect next door.

“Melinda?” Adrienne asked a few moments later when she opened the door. “It’s two in the morning. Is everything okay?”

“I don’t feel so good.” The feebleness of my voice surprised me.

“I’ll get Clarissa. Do you need to throw up?”

I shook my aching head. “Already did.”

Adrienne put a hand on my back, guiding me toward my room. “You lay back down. I’ll be right back.”

I crawled into bed, but I couldn’t get comfortable. I laid in bed for what felt like hours. Finally, Clarissa arrived. I glanced at the clock. It had been less than ten minutes.

My advisor kneeled by my head. “Hey, Melinda. Adrienne said you don’t feel well.”

“I threw up. And my head hurts. Everything hurts.”

Clarissa laid a cool hand on my forehead. “You’re burning up. We’re going to go to the infirmary.”

“What’s going on?” Sarah asked as Clarissa turned on the bedroom light.

“Melinda’s not feeling well. I’m taking her to the infirmary. You go back to sleep.”

I threw my phone and journal into my backpack, then Clarissa helped me put on my boots and coat. She held my arm to guide me down the stairs and through her faculty apartment. Her car was waiting by the kitchen door.

Despite my coat, the winter air cut right through my pajamas. The drive was too short for the car to get warm and by the time we reached the infirmary, I couldn’t stop shivering. Clarissa led me inside, sitting me in a chair while she went to speak with the nurse on duty.

A moment later, a nurse led me to a room. The last time I had visited the infirmary, I had broken my ankle and had been treated in a room with a plastic exam table and an x-ray machine. This time, she brought me to a room with a hospital bed and bathroom.

I sat on the edge of the bed while Clarissa helped me remove my coat and shoes. I immediately climbed under the covers. A moment later, the nurse returned with some extra blankets. When I was settled, Clarissa returned to the dorm, and the nurse began asking questions about my symptoms.

I curled into a ball and did my best to answer the nurse. My head still hurt and I couldn’t get warm. I wasn’t sure I was even making sense. All I wanted was to go back to sleep. But I was too cold and in too much pain to do so.

The nurse wheeled in a strange contraption, removing tools one at a time to run his tests. After running a magic wand along my forehead to check my temperature, he checked my blood pressure with a cuff on my arm. Then he stuck a clip on my finger to measure my pulse and other vital signs that I was too tired to comprehend.

Eventually, the nurse left. I tried to fall back asleep. I had almost managed it when the doctor came into the room. She asked a lot of the same questions the nurse had. I wanted to ask what was the point of the nurse asking the questions in the first place, but I was too tired. I kept my answers as terse as possible, hoping the doctor would get the hint.

She must have, because she soon left the room. Again, I curled into a ball under the covers and tried to fall asleep. But the infirmary staff didn’t seem to want me to. The nurse returned, this time to stick a large cotton swab down my throat until I thought I might throw up again. Then he stuck another one up my nose.

Finally, after what felt like forever, I was alone in the room. No one ever told me what was wrong with me. But I didn’t care. I just wanted to sleep.

Attention Hammerheads

Melinda is always trying to build her vocabulary. What were some words in this episode that were new to you? She will add them to her vocabulary journal.